ORIGINAL TRANSCRIPT

4X12
- IF THE SHOE FITS -


[TEASER]

G: [Hums]

Joxer [Jox]: [Snores]

X: "Uh. Oh, I hate that. It's late. Gabrielle? Gabrielle?
Oh, the one morning I ask you to wake me up for a change. Just
when I get Zantar right where I want him-- I go and oversleep.
Well, thank you very much! Rope. Rope."

G: "La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La! La-la-la-la-la! La!
La! La! La! La! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! La! La! La!
La-la-la-la-la! [Coughs] La-la-la-la-la! La!"

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Zantar [Zan]: "Tomorrow-- we head east-- to Lumeria. They had a
big harvest this year. So they'll be loaded with extra cash."

Baldy: "Good to have ya back, Bro."

Helmet: "Yeah-- pickin' up right from where ya left off."
[Laughs]

Zan: "Only this time, I'll be smart. No way I'm going back to
that _stinkin'_ jail!" [Laughter]

[Fight]

Baldy: "Oh, she's good."

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X: "Gabrielle, what's goin' on?"

G: "I woke up. I-- I took a bath. Uh-- I know I put my shirt
on that tree. It's just gone. It doesn't make any sense--
unless an animal took it. You know? A-a-a fashionable beaver
or-- or-- oh, you didn't."

X: "Gabrielle. I was in a hurry. We ran out of rope."

G: "You stole my favorite shirt? It's the only shirt that goes
with this skirt, Xena. You used it to tie up that-that-that
smelly warlord. That's your excuse?! You ran out of rope?"

X: "The good news is you found somethin' else to wear."

G: "It's a sack!"

X: "How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?"

G: "I was topless."

Jox [Snores]: "Yah. Yah. Ah! Ah! Abandon ship! We're goin'
down! Uh. Oh. Good morning. Hi, Gabrielle. New outfit?
Looks good. Ooh!"

G: "Shut up!"

Jox: "What'd _I_ say?!"

X: "Just get going."

Jox: "All right."

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G: "I'm telling you, brown is not my color."

X: "I kinda like it. It's got that, uh-- rustic appeal."

G: "Suitable for you, right?"

Jox: "Come on."

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Aphrodite [Aph]: "_Now_ look what you've done! Ooh! You--
monster! I told you _never_ to play with the bottle marked
passion! It's _totally_ explosive stuff!"

X: "Aphrodite, what's going on?"

Aph: "Xena! Uh! What are you doing here?"

Alesia [Ale]: "Xena!"

X: "Alesia?"

Ale: "Please-- you have to save me from my evil fairy
godsmother!"

X: "Your evil fairy godsmother? Who's that?"

Ale: "Her!"

Aph: "Moi?!"

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[ACT I]

X: "Let's hear it, Aphrodite. What's all this about?"

Aph: "The little rugrat wandered in yesterday and said something
about her dad and her wicked stepmom. So you know me. I was
just trying to help. Then she became like-- totally bizarro!
And now she's calling me-- "

Ale: "-- my evil fairy godsmother."

Aph: "Uh-h-h-h! That's it! As if! Dear child-- do these
features _look_ evil?"

G: "Do you mean the fairy godsmother from the fairy tale?"

Ale: "Mm-hmm."

X: "This child's name is Alesia-- Princess Alesia of Cyra. Her
father and I have been friends for years. Alesia-- how did you
get here? Did you run away from home?"

Ale: "Uh-huh. Daddy got married. I don't like my stepmother.
So I came to find my fairy godsmother."

X: "Well, I think your father would be very worried. Maybe we
can take you home. I'm sure we can work this out."

Ale: "Then _you'll_ be my fairy godsmother?"

X: "Uh-- just for a little while."

Aph: "Great! Get rid of her. She obviously doesn't know a good
thing when she sees it."

X: "Come on, Alesia. Out of the way! I think we oughtta take
you home."

G: "You all right?"

Jox's Voice: "Fine. Move it out, Goliath.

Zan's Voice: [Growls]

Jox's Voice: "At your own pace."

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Queen: "Did you find her?"

King: "No-- not yet."

Queen: "You're not giving up, are you?"

King: "No! No, I'm going back out there with all my men to
_keep_ searching for her."

Queen: "You'll find her. I know you will."

King: "I pray to the gods we do. Darling, whe means everything
in the world to me."

Queen: "Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's not
you she hates. It's me." [Cries]

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X: "I better go and scout ahead."

G: "I'll- I'll do it."

X: "Alesia-- why'd you run away?"

Ale: "I hate my new stepmother. I wanna get rid of her so
things can be the way they used to be."

X: "Oh."

Ale: "I thought Aphrodite could help-- but she couldn't."

X: "Well, maybe I can help."

Ale: "Really? OK-- but don't hurt her too bad."

X: "That's not what I had in mind. Listen-- I was in your shoes
too, once. I had a stepfather and-- and I never got to know him.
Now, I think that was a terrible mistake. Gabrielle, are you all
right?"

G: "Fine. What's this about a stepfather? You never told me
that."

X: "Yes, I did. Didn't I?"

G: "No."

X: "Well, it's not important. I'm trying to help Alesia."

G: "What, and I'm not?! Xena, who just climbed that tree,
looking for Zantar's men?!"

X: "So, what did ya see?"

G: "They're right behind us."

X: "All right, I'm gonna double back there and take care of `em.
Alesia-- I'll be back. Stay here with Gabrielle. She's gonna
tell you a story."

G: "I will?"

X: "Yes, you will. You're good at them."

G: "OK."

Ale: "I hope it has a happy ending."

G: "A happy ending, huh? All right. Once-- when-- once-- upon
a time-- there was a sweet-- very young-- girl--

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G's Voice: "-- named-- Tyrella. She was happy-- even though she
lived with her wicked stepmother-- the meanest-- crankiest-- most
_horrid_ woman alive!"

X/Stepmother [X/Stepm]: "Pelia-- come here, sweetie."

Aph/Pelia [Aph/Pel]: "Mommy! Look what my _stupid_ stepsister
did! She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius!"

Aph/Pel and X/Stepm: "Tyrella!"

Tyrella [Tyr]: "La. La. La-a-a-a-a. Yes, dear stepmother."

X/Stepm: "There's a crease in Pelia's dress. Aren't you
forgetting something?"

Tyr: "I swept the floor-- washed the dishes-- cleaned the
attic-- weeded the garden. I dug you a new well. I've been
terribly busy."

X/Stepm: "Well, get over it! You've neglected your most
important duty."

Tyr: "What could that possibly be?"

X/Stepm: "My clippings!"

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Jox: [Screams]

G: "Joxer!"

Jox: "Ooh!"

G: "Calm down."

Jox: "But that foot! What are you trying to do? Scare the kid
half to death? What is it, honey?"

Ale: "It's only a story, Joxer."

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Aph: "Oh-h-h-h. My little pookie's slipper." [Sighs]

Aph's Image: "Admit it. You miss the little monster."

Aph: "As if! What's there to miss?! The noise? The crying?
The fairy godsmother rap? She did have potential."

Aph's Image: "'Fess up, girlfriend. You're suffering from empty
nest syndrome. Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown up, and now
you're lonely."

Aph: "She was kinda cute, wasn't she?"

Aph's Image: "No duh! Your problem is, you didn't play the
mommy gig long enough, you know?"

Aph: "You mean like-- stories and cuddles and that kinda stuff?
I could do that. You think I could do that?"

Aph's Image: "Totally. She could be-- your personal mascot--
the demigoddess of puppy love."

Aph: "Tubular! I am such a visionary!"

Aph's Image: [Squeals]

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X: "I wantcha to head for the river. Make sure they see you."

Thug's Voice: "I can see the hoofprints!"

Baldy: "Ha-ha-- they went this way. Come on!"

Thugs' Voices: "Yeah." "Ha-ha-ha-ha. "We'll see how tough Xena
is." "Yeah." "We'll-- "

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G: "Tyrella's stepmother reached out with her long, grotesque--
"

Ale [Interrupts]: "Wait! I know what happens next."

Jox: "Mm-hmm?"

Ale: "Tyrella takes the clippings-- "

Jox: "Mm-hmm?"

Ale: "-- and _stabs_ her evil stepmother-- _over_ and _over_ and
_over_ and _over_ again."

G: "N-no-- no. Tyrella deals with her problems-- in-in a more
postive way."

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Aph/Pel: "Mommy! My stupid stepsister's ruined everything!"

Aph/Pel and X/Stepm: "Tyrella!

Tyr: "La-la-la-la. Yes, stepmother, dear?"

X/Stepm: "Can't you do anything right?"

Tyr: "There is nothing wrong with the dress. You anger is
misplaced. It's a convenient way to avoid your deeeper
emotions-- the same way that your mistreatment of me and my
belongings-- is your way to avoid intimacy. You both need to get
in touch with your inner child."

X/Stepm: "You gettin' any of this?"

Aph/Pel: "Mm-mmm."

Aph's Voice: [Laughs]

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Aph: "What a riot!" [Laughs]

G: "And I suppose you could do better."

Aph: "Puhleeze! You didn't know your Auntie Aphrodite can tell
stories, didja? Well, I make `em sizzle. OK, here's what really
happens."

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Aph/Stepm: "Whoo! Time for a breather. But if ya can't take
the heat, boys-- stay outta my kitchen. Hmm-- Pelia-- where are
you, my vixen?"

X/Pel: "I'm here, Mother. I'm as dry as a lizard. Where's the
hagster to bring us some beverages?"

Aph/Stepm: "Good question."

Aph/Stepm and X/Pel: "Tyrella!"

Aph/Step: "Love the outfit, Tyrella."

Tyr: "Hmmm."

Aph/Stepm and X/Pel: "Not!"

Jox: "Ooh. Ooh. Well-- hello, you cuckoo, crazy chicks. I,
uh-- have a message from that royal hipster-- the prince."

Aph/Stepm: "Ooh-- the prince. I knew I smelled money."

X/Pel: "Oh, that prince-- I knew he couldn't stay away from me
forever."

Jox: "The prince wishes to invite all good-lookin' chicks to his
royal ball, tonight. From those, he's gonna pick a bride. Ya
dig?"

Aph/Stepm: "Ooh-- "

X/Pel [Interrupts]: "A bride?"

Aph/Stepm [Interrupts]: "-- a bride."

Tyr: "A royal party-- ha-ha! I'm so excited!"

Jox: "Ooh-- that chick is square, baby."

X/Pel: "Uh-- loser."

Aph/Stepm: "Exsqueeze me? What are _you_ so psyched about?
Honey, the prince is lookin' for a babe, not a heifer."

Tyr: [Laughs]

X/Pel: [Chuckles]

Aph/Stepm: "Show her, Pelia."

X/Pel: "Right, Ma."

Jox: "Hhuh? Hmm. [Hums] Ho-ho-- yeah!"

X's Voice: "Stop right there!"

Jox: "Ow-w-w."

Tyr: "Hmm?"

Aph/Stepm: "Hmm?"

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Zan: "Aah, it was just gettin' good!"

X: "Don't say another word. Aphrodite-- I thought you were out
of this."

Aph: "I am. I am. I'm done."

X: "You all right?"

Ale: "Mm-hmm?"

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X: "Huh?"

G [Startles]: "Oh! Xena!"

X: "Still mad at me? Tell ya what-- I'll cook-- you go on with
your story."

G: "My story. Oh. All right."

Ale: "Gabrielle-- who were all those men at Tyrella's house?"

Jox: "Hmm."

G: "They were swimming instructors."

Ale: "Oh. Did Tyrella ever go to the party?"

G: "Well, she really _wanted_ to go to the party."

X's Voice: "Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?"

G: "It's in my pack, where it always is."

X: "Oh, yeah."

G: "See? Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty to wear.
Huh."

X's Voice: "What about spoons?"

G: "It's in the saddlebag! Tyrella was hoping for a miracle."

X: "Ya got any butter and sugar?"

G: "Xena, _I'll_ do it. Joxer?"

Jox: "Hmm?"

G: "You wanna eat? Work for it. You pick up the
story-telling."

Jox: "Um-- "

G's Voice: "Xena, give me the pan, before you hurt someone."

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Aph: "Hey-- tall, dark, and gruesomes."

Baldy: "Who are you?"

Aph: "Aphrodite-- goddess of love? I have a proposition for
you."

Thugs: [Laugh]

Aph: "Not _that_ kind of proposition. You guys want your
brother back, right? I can help you if you do me a favor."

Baldy: "What kind of favor?"

Aph: "Xena's got my little girl. You help me get her back--
I'll help you get Zantar. You scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours."

Thugs: [Laugh]

Thug's Voice: "Scratch!"

Aph: "Stop it! You know what I mean."

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[ACT II]

Jox: "OK. [Clears throat] Let's see, um. Uh-- OK, OK. Uh,
well, uh-- it was the night of the-- big party-- and he was
_very_-- "

Ale [Interrupts]: "`He'? Don't you mean, `She'?"

Jox: "How old are you?"

Ale: "Seven"

Jox: "Ya wanna be eight? It was `He'."

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Jox's Voice: "Now-- he was very excited. And _his_ name was-- "

Pelio and Zan/Stepfather [Zan/Stepf]: "Tyro!"

Tyro: "Oh. Oh. Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Hey-- hello, Step-- father, dear--
Stepbrother, dear."

Zan/Stepf: "Tyro the clumsy strikes again."

Tyro: "It was an accident."

Pelio: "_You_ were the accident."

Tyro: "Oh! Ah."

Pelio: "What's the get-up?"

Tyro: "Oh, ya like it? I was sewing it all day for the royal
ball tonight."

Zan/Stepf [Chuckles]: "Well-- if that's the case-- those-- pants
need adjusting-- right, Pelio?"

Tyro: "Oh, you think? I thought they might be a little long in
the [Falsetto] cro-o-o-o-o-otch!"

Zan/Stepf: "Whaddya say to your stepbrother?"

Tyro [Helium Voice]: "Thanks, Stepbrother dear."

Zan/Stepf: "Don't be an idiot, idiot. You can't wear that.
You've got _no_ way to get there-- no-- _social_ skills to speak
of. In short-- you're not going."

Tyro: "Oh!"

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X: "Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story."

G: "Yes, we should. Where's the oil?"

X: "In the saddlebag. It's just he's making him sound like such
a victim."

G: "Oh, I didn't hear _you_ volunteer."

X: "No? Well, I'm not much of a story-teller. I'm, uh-- I'm
more a woman of action."

G: "Great. Take action and get some water. I'm gonna poach the
fish."

X: "I'm all over it."

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Tyro: "I didn't wanna go to a stupid party, anyway."

X/Harmonia [X/Har]: "Tyro the mighty."

Tyro: "Kick a man when he's down."

X/Har: "I'm here to help. Of course, if you're not _interested_
in going to the party, then I-- "

Tyro [Interrupts]: "Royal party? No! I'd love to go. Wait a
minute-- who are you?"

X/Har: "Harmonia-- fairy godsmother, at your service. Let's
see-- you're going to need a new outfit and a ride and-- what
else?"

Tyro: "Well-- let's see, I could u-use! Use! Social skills."

X/Har: "Trust me, you'll have many skills."

Tyro: "Oh."

X/Har: "But remember, my spell only lasts until sunup-- in other
words-- when the sand runs out-- so must you."

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X: "Here's some more water. I saw Zantar's men head down across
the river. I'm gonna go down there and deal with them."

G: "What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots? Hmm-- my
underwear? Ha-ha."

X: "Oh, no, that would be too cruel."

Ale: "What happens next, Joxer?"

Jox: "Well-- "

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Jox's Voice: "-- the royal party was in full swing. Ah, it was
a gala event. There were rubies upon the rubies, and diamonds
upon the diamonds."

Tyro [Hums]: "Hmm."

Princess [Pri]: "What a hunk of a man."

Tyro: "Mm-- hmm. [Chuckles] They're playing our song."

Pelio: "Who's the new guy?"

Zan/Stepf: "I don't know. But check out his social skills."

Pri: "You dance divinely."

Tyro: "I know. Yeah. Ha! Hey! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Watch
this! Ha. Ha-ha! Whoa!"

Tyro [Sings]: "When I look at you,
My eyes begin to bloom.
My heart begins to zoom,
And I'm in heaven.

Pri: "When I dance with you,
My head sails to the moon.
My feet sing out a tune
And I'm in heaven.

Both: "Nobody has ever made me
Feel quite like this.
Tyro: My palms perspire.
Pri: My stomach churns.
Both: I know this must be bli-- iss.

Both: "Is yours the sweet angel face--
That I've been dreaming of?
Tyro: I'm in heaven.
All: He's in heaven.
Both: When I'm with you,
I'm in-- heaven."

Tyro: "Ooh! That-- gee! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! My pants! Ooh!
Ooh! Oh! Bye!"

Princess: "Wait! Wait! My shoe!

Tyro: "I'll send it later! Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me. Ooh!"

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Jox: "The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried and hurried-- but it
was too late-- for as he looked at his hourglass, the last grain
of sand-- "

X: "Where's Alesia?"

Jox: "She's-- Alesia? Alesia?!"

X's Voice: "Alesia!"

Jox: "Alesia?!"

Zan: "She wandered off. Can't say I blame her after hearing
your story. If I wasn't tied up, I'd _kill_ ya!"

X: "Shut up. Gabrielle?"

G: "I was cooking."

X: "I left you in charge."

G: "Are you saying it's _my_ fault that she ran away again?"

X: "It's far too dangerous for a little girl to be out here on
her own. I'm gonna go after her, and you two-- "

G: "Ow!"

Jox: "Uh."

X: "-- stay right here."

Jox: "Ow!"

X's Voice: "Alesia?!"

G: "I can't believe she's _blaming_ me for this."

X's Voice: "Alesia!"

Jox: "I can."

Aph/Old Woman: "Hurry!"

Jox: "Ah-h-h-h-h-h!"

Aph/Old Woman: "Help me. Down by the river-- these men! They
attacked me."

Jox: "Huh?"

Aph/Old Woman: "Please."

G: "Zantar's men. Sorry. Xena wanted to stop them. I'll do
it. You stay here!"

Jox: "No."

G's Voice: "Stay there!"

Jox: "Wait a min-- I-- I can-- I can do it! Oh, great. Well--
at least, that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around. Huh! What
an airhead. Talk about your half-wits. She's half-baked-- and
half-dressed!"

Aph: "Hmm."

Jox [Laughs]: "Hello, Aphro-- dite."

Aph: "Outta my way, stud-muffin. Where's my little
cutesy-wootsy-poo? My little _beauty_ queen?! Wha-- ? Where is
she?"

Jox: "You mean-- Alesia?"

Aph: "Uh-huh?"

Jox: "She's gone."

Aph: "Gone? Whaddya mean, gone?"

Zan: "Lookin' for the girl? I can get her for ya."

Aph: "Really. How do ya propose to do that?"

Jox: "Yeah."

Zan: "What about him?"

Aph: "That's easy."

Jox: "Hmm."

Aph: "Hm-m-m-m. Let's talk."

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X: "Alesia?!"

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[ACT III]

X: "Alesia?! [Whispers] Alesia. [Normal Voice] Hang on,
Alesia!"

Ale: "Xena!"

X: "I'm coming! Hold tight. Hold tight. I'm coming. I'm not
far away, sweetheart. OK. Come on, Alesia. Let go of it.
There you go. All right?"

Ale: "I got too close to the edge-- and fell."

X: "OK, well, hold on around my neck. OK. All right, I-I
gotcha. Now, come on. Why did you run away?!"

Ale: "Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?"

X: "Well, that's a good point, bu-- all fairy tales have a
purpose. And even when Joxer tells them there's a message
there."

Ale: "Yeah-- run."

X: "Come on. Let's get back to camp. Hop up. All right! Here
we go."

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X: "Joxer."

Ale: "Joxer! They didn't hurt you, did they?"

Jox: "No-- I was ambushed. It was Aphrodite."

X: "Where's Zantar?!"

Jox: "He went off with Aphrodite. She's disguised as an old
lady."

G's Voice: "Xena."

X: "Where were you?"

G: "I went to look for Zantar's men. They were beating up
this-- this old woman."

X: "Gabrielle, the old woman was Aphrodite."

G: "Now, how was I supposed to know that?"

X: "Did Aphrodite say anything to Zantar?"

Jox: "Yeah, yeah. She said something about, uh-- going to an
old castle and-- she wants Alesia."

X: "Come on, Alesia."

Jox: "Don't feel bad. Aphrodite almost fooled me, too."

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Ale: "I wanna hear the rest of the story."

X: "All right, well let me tell ya what _really_-- "

Jox: "Ow!"

X: "-- happened."

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X's Voice: "Tyrella had a stepfamily all right, but no one
pushed her around. One day, Tyrella was busy-- sharpening her
sword-- when-- "

Ale's Voice: "Xena-- shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress? If
Tyrella's a girl-- isn't she supposed to have a step_mother_?"

Zan/Stepm: "Tyrella?! What have you been doing all morning?!"

X/Tyr: "Well, let's see, I, uh-- I fought a warlord, saved a
village, and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans."

Zan/Stepm: "Hmm. Just as I thought-- lolly-gagging again! Do
some _real_ work for a change."

Baldy/Pelia: "Mother! The prince is coming!"

Zan/Stepm: "The prince?! Here? Honestly, Tyrella! You can't
wear that! You'll be the shame of us all! Oh. Your Highness."

Prince [Clears throat]: "Ladies-- I'm-- looking to wed the
woman-- who fits this shoe."

Baldy/Pel: "I'll try it on."

2nd Stepsister [2nd Steps]: "Let me."

Baldy/Pel: "It's _my_ size!"

Prince: "Please. How about-- you? Would you care to try it on?
If it fits-- I can promise you a happy ending."

X/Tyr: "Wow. You know what, Prince? You seem like a real nice
fella, so I'm gonna make this nice and simple for ya. I don't
need _you_, or a fairy godsmother, or anyone else to give me a
happy ending. That's something that I'll get-- or I won't get--
all my own self. So I suggest you peddle this shoe someplace
else."

Prince: "But-- you could be a princess."

X/Try: "Come on."

Prince: "You could live in a castle. Ouch! My-- royal bottom!
Ow!"

Zan/Stepm: "So-- the prince won't marry _either_ of you
beauties. Well-- if we can't get to his crown jewels that way--
we'll just have to-- cut and run!" [Laughter]

Fairy Godssister [F G]: "Tyrella? Tyrella? Tyrella? Oh!"

X/Tyr: "What do you want?"

F G: "Your stepmother and stepsister are going to rob the
kingdom of the crown's jewels. You have to stop them."

X/Tyr: "Right, I'm on it."

F G: "Wait! I am your fairy godssister. Don't you want my
help?"

X/Tyr: "Yeah, could you get rid of those dishes? The place is a
mess."

F G: "If that's how I'm most useful to you-- my pleasure."

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G: "After all we've been through-- that's what you think of me?
The fairy godssister of dishes? Xena-- that's my only use to
you?"

X: "Oh, come on. It was just a story. I just meant we were
like family, and in a family--"

G: "You have _no_ idea how useful I am. I'm out of here--
that's it. I need space."

X: "Gabrielle-- "

G: "Doh!"

X: "Oh-- she'll-- she'll be back. She does this all the time.
Right, Joxer? She's just crazy. Gabrielle?!"

Ale: "This isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?"

X: "Well-- "

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[ACT IV]

Ale: "Daddy!"

Jox: "I'll get the ropes."

King: "Alesia, my darling. Are you OK?"

Ale: "Yes, I'm all right-- thanks to Xena."

King: "I have missed you so much."

Queen: "We both have."

X: "What happened here?"

Queen: "Zantar and his brothers have stolen the crown jewels.
You may be too late."

X: "We'll see about that."

King: "Thank you, Xena. We were so worried."

X: "No problem."

King: "Now-- you and me and your stepmother are going to try to
be happy-- all right?"

Ale: "Xena! Wait! I wanna go with you and be a hero like
Tyrella!"

Queen: "Alesia, wait!"

Ale: "But I wanna go with Xena!"

X: "Sweetheart, you can't."

Ale: "What about my happy ending?"

X: "You're going to get a happy ending-- I promise you that. I
need to ask you to do something for me. Would you?

Ale: "OK"

X: "Go in there. And I want you to talk. And that's an order
from your fairy godsmother."

King: "What _are_ you doing?"

X: "Trust me, your Highness. They need to be alone."

Thug: "Heavy crown jewels!" [Laughter]

X: "Just leave them in there a while-- a few days oughtta do
it."

King: "All right, Xena-- whatever you say."

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G: "Aphrodite?! I know you can hear me! Woop! Sorry! Whoop!
Clumsy me!"

Aph: "OK! Chill the `tude, Miss Thing-- I'm here."

G: "I want you to leave Alesia alone."

Aph: "She came to me. You heard what she said. She hates her
family."

G: "All I see is this confused, little girl. She doesn't
realize how much she misses her family-- all these people who
love her. If you don't stop meddling, you're going to break them
up."

Aph: "I just wanted a happy ending for her."

G: "No, you just want your happy ending-- regardless of her.
Tell me, Miss Expert-- is that what you call love? It's just a
thought."

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Jox: "Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

X: "What-- are you doing?"

Jox [Clears throat]: "Well look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, you
know? I'm-I'm-I'm your-- comrade-in-arms-- your-your wingman.
Look-- you're the comet-- and I'm Ajax. You're the Achilles--
and I'm you heel."

X: [Growls]

Jox: "Don't you see? Look-- with these fists of fury-- you'll
have-- no problem-- beatin' anybody! Watch! Every muscle is
tight. Notice the action. Ow! Oh, my mouth hurts! Is there a
problem?"

X: "I'm going after Zantar. You stay here, and make sure he
doesn't return to the scene of his crime."

Jox: "Right! I'll wait for him. Wait a minute. Why would he
come back here? He's already got all the dough. Xena?! Wait!"

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Ale: "Help! Somebody! We're locked in!"

Queen: "Is it really so bad to be locked in here with me?"

Ale: "I hate you."

Queen: "Really? Well, I'm glad Xena locked us in here. It'll
give us a chance to talk."

Ale: "I'll never talk to you. You're evil."

Queen: "Your father likes me."

Ale: "You put a spell on him. I'll never like you."

Queen: "What did I do?"

Ale: "You stole my daddy from me."

Queen: "No, I didn't. He's just as much yours as he always
was."

Ale: "No, he's not. Now he's yours."

Queen: "How about we make him ours?"

Ale: "Well--"

Queen: "Alesia-- I know it's been hard-- since your mother died.
But-- I want you to know-- I really care about you."

Ale: "You do?"

Queen: "Yes. And your father's told me all about you-- and how
you like stories. Can't we have a happy ending?"

Ale: "I thought every story had a happy ending-- but now I don't
know. Because of me-- Zantar stole the crown jewels-- and
Gabrielle left Xena forever. I've ruined everything." [Cries]

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Jox [Raspberry]: "Sidekick. I am ten _times_ the sidekick
Gabrielle is. Now, Zantar-- if I ever see that-- big-- fat--
porky, bulbous, behemoth of a hippo-- I'm gonna tell him-- what a
_great_ guy he is."

Zan: "Now we have a little insurance-- in case Xena gets in our
way."

X: "Nice plan-- if I cared."

Jox: "She-- cares. She's just kidding. Ha-ha! Ha! You're not
laughing."

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Queen: "Don't cry, my princess. Why, I bet Tyrella would do
_just_ what Xena would."

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[Fight]

X/Tyr: "Leave the prince alone!"

Zan/Stepm: "Tyrella! Don't be such a party pooper! You'll get
your share! After all-- we're family!"

Zan: "If we can't have you and your money-- no one can."

G/F G: "Pardon the dishpan hands!"

Prince's Voice: "It's a man!"

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X: "So Tyrella arrested her stepmother and her stepsisters. She
saved the prince. And she retrieved the family jewels."

Ale: "Did she and the prince-- get married, and live happily
ever after?"

X: "Uh-- no. No, but she and her fairy godssister did make a
pact. From now on, they would help one another be all that they
could be."

Aph [Laughs]: "Yadda, yadda, yadda. Talk about your sappy
stories. Look, kid-- we had some fun-- didn't we? But this love
thing-- it's just not something I can teach ya. It's something
ya gotta learn on your own. And this is as good a place as any--
`cause there's a lotta love here-- from your dad _and_ your
stepmom."

Ale: "My stepmother-- she doesn't love me."

Aph: "Oh, yes she does. Take it from me. I know about these
things."

Ale: "OK."

X: "Aphrodite-- if you wanted Alesia back, how come you didn't
just put a spell on her?"

Aph: "Duh-h-- if I had done that, I'd never know if she really
wanted me."

X: "So you really care about her."

Aph: "Me? Care about a mortal? As if."

X: "Gabrielle, why'd you come back?"

G: "It was-- what you said about being a family. I realized
that every family has their problems. But what's important-- is
that we stay together. We work it out."

Queen: "What was that for?"

Ale: "No reason. Can't a girl hug her mom?"

X: "Aw-w-w-w. Bye, your Highness."

Queen: "Thank you, Xena."

Ale: "Goodbye, Xena."

X: "So-- anyone heard any good stories lately?"

G: "Actually-- I've been working on one. It's a story of a
wooden boy."

Ale: "Bye!"

G: "And every time he tells a lie-- "

X [Interrupts]: "Goodbye, Alesia."

G: "-- his nose keeps growing and growing-- until it's _really_
long."

Jox: "Or he could be a monkey-- and his tail gets smaller."